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My Good Humor Page - Out of the Mouth of Babes

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the bathroom when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.  She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.  Five minutes later...."Da-ad....?"   "What?"  "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance.  Lights out."  Five minutes later.... "Da-aaaad....?"  "WHAT?"  "I'm THIRSTY.  Can I have a drink of water?"  "I told you NO!  If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"   Five minutes later.....  "Daaaa-aaaad.....?"   "WHAT!"  "When you come in here to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"  The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed, and was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."  A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.  All the children were invited to come forward.  One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"  The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.  Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you, Honey."  "And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continued.   "Yes, Sweetheart, He did."  "And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads too?"  "Yes, Honey, all of them, too."  The child shakes her head in disbelief.  "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!

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