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Chris' Political Humor Page - The Queen has spoken!

From Chris: A friend in England (who will re nameless) sent the following to me.  I think it's pretty hilarious, considering the 2000 Presidential election fiasco in Florida.  My editorial comments are in blue.   Enjoy!


To the citizens of the United States of America.  In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.  Except Utah, which she does not fancy.  Your new prime minister (the rt.hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.   Personally, I don't know whether to jump for joy or simply move my money to a Cayman bank.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.  Heaven help us if they circulate this on college campuses.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look
up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.  Then look up "aluminum".  Check the pronunciation guide.  You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing them.  Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  Look up "vocabulary".  Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.  Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English".  We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  Hey, should I submit a bug on this?

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.  But Australians are former Brits anyway, so what's the deal here?

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.  Hey!  Does that mean I can have Gweneth Paltro?  Oh goodie!

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.   We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football".  There is only one kind of football.  What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.  The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.  

You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.  Initially, it would be best if you played with the
girls.  It is a difficult game.  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby, which is similar to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armor like nancies.  We
are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde.  The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.  The Russians have never been the bad guys.   "Merde" is French for "shit" by the way.   Hey!  Celine Dion lives there, so we can't do that!  That said, the French generally are a rude and stinky lot, however.   But the rest of Canada is cool. Right, Eh?

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.  November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England.  It will be
"Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned.  They are crap and it is for your own good.  When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.   Ha!  German cars are for people with ego.  It's common knowledge that Porsches are mostly owned by guys with mini-penis syndrome.   Japanese cars rule!, oh, and Mercedes Benz's, too!

10. Please tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us crazy.   You're ASSuming that we know!

Thank you for your cooperation.   Uh huh.  Right.  But then again, perhaps this will increase my chances with Gweneth, or lead to meeting some English babes with that oh-so-sexy British accent.

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