Chris' Good Humor Page
Texas Visitor's Guide

Here are my thirty-two tips for enjoying your visit to Texas.  Enjoy!

One.   Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed how to use it later.

Two.  Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.

Three.   Remember: "Y'all" is plural. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

Four.   Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

Five.   If you hear a redneck exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way.  These are likely the last words he will ever say.

Six.  Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."

Seven.   There are no delicatessens.  Don't even ask.

Eight.  In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar.

Nine.  Chili does NOT have beans in it.

Ten.  Brisket is not 'cooked' in an oven.

Eleven.  Don't tell us how you did it up there.  Nobody cares.  Usually they tend to become irritated if you press the issue.

Twelve.  If you think it's too hot, don't worry.  It'll cool down in December.

Thirteen.  We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!

Fourteen.   A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol.  A Ford F-150 pickup is (or for some of you an F-350).  If it's a diesel, four wheel drive, one-ton dually, extra points are added.

Fifteen.  If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot" you can be certain they are.

Sixteen.   If you fail to heed my warning in #15 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy.  Water won't do it.

Seventeen.   Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask.

Eighteen.   If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken.

Nineteen.  Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri.  What you really mean to say is 'margarita.' 

Twenty.   If you don't understand our passion for college and high school football just keep your mouth shut.

Twenty-one.  If you see a slower moving vehicle ahead of you on a two-lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called "courtesy".

Twenty-three.  BBQ is a food group.  It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot-dogs outdoors.

Twenty-four.  No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime.  Leave your line dance back home.  Try to do it here and you will be run off the dance floor. 

Twenty-five.  Tea = Iced Tea.  There is no other kind.  Hot tea is only Iced Tea that sat in the sun too long.

Twenty-six.  Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.

Twenty-seven.  A Fur Piece isn't formal attire for cocktail parties, but a measurement of distance usually indicating that it will take all day or longer to get there . . . . by pickup truck.

Twenty-eight.  Don't ever refuse to eat grits, if you do, you will be blacklisted in every restaurant in Texas.

Twenty-nine.  If you get Fur enough into the Texas back-woods and decide to buy something to eat for lunch in one of those gas station grocery store places, ask for a Moon Pie and a Big Orange drink; that way they'll think that you're a local-yocal.

Thirty.  Don't even attempt to talk guns with anyone unless you have one stuck in your belt or back pocket.

Thirty-one.  If you've never eaten a catfish, opossum, or squirrel don't ever admit it.

Thirty-two.  Don't ever stare at a redneck until he notices he's being stared at. 
He'll ask: "Watcha lookin at?" There is no acceptable answer to this question, not even "I'm sorry." It's all downhill from there.

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